Hey you! Yes you, I see you there… Here’s a question you’ve always asked yourself but never known the answer to… What do you get when you cross Rambo with Batman then if Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal and Jackie Chan were to have a love child, meet Batbo (or Ram-man… or Rambat….) and then procreate? Well what would you get?… You would get me my friends. Let me explain…
I am a survival expert. Ever heard of Bear Grylls? Possibly could be that I taught him everything he knows… Impressed? There’s more… Ever heard of Bruce Lee? I taught him how to do that kick thing where he kicks people really hard… Ever heard of Jean Claude Van Damme? I’ve seen some of his movies (he didn’t turn in any Oscar worthy performances, but overall he contributed effectively to the action genre in the early to mid 90s). Ever heard of Val Riazanov? NO!?!? Neither had I until I google searched his name looking for awesome people to pretend to know and have taught something to…. Anyway, whether I taught them something or not, I stand up against the great men of the modern era as an expert at being awesome.
This all started a few months ago when I injured my knee, requiring surgery… Being of sound mind but muted body (or whatever the opposite of “sound” is) I had to do something to keep myself occupied… That took on the form of addiction. Now I’m not talking about drugs as I’m sure heroin would give me nose bleeds and cocaine would give me a jibbly stomach, hence I’ve never tried them. Couple that with the fact that a). they’re illegal, b). they don’t suit my lifestyle choices and c). I’ve never had to go around murdering prostitutes… I’m not even talking about alcohol or gambling… I’m talking the second most addictive thing of them all (just behind Facebook)… Ebay.
It caught my attention as I lay bored on my couch in my underwear that I had never found myself in a survival situation, where every decision, every action, every second counts. What would happen if I were to need to evade enemy troops in hostile lands? What would happen if I would need to trap a rabbit using two sticks, a piece of rope and my cunning? What would I do if I was lost out at sea for months at a time, having to live off my own urine and eating parts of my own arse? Does arse need to be cooked? What’s its expiry time out in the open ocean? Is sun-dried arse even a viable option!? These questions before Ebay, I could not answer, and it occurred to me that the likelihood of these situations/moments occurring get drastically closer with every day that I go on living (at least the odds certainly don’t get any lower with each day of living.)
This is where Ebay gives me a leg up, lends me a hand and ships me other body parts of my choosing for a dollar and four cents to every American dollar (at the moment).
I found myself on Ebay drastically searching for items that would come in handy facing these arse* eating (or worse!) situations***. I quickly located a Bear Grylls hunting knife, some flint, a survival bracelet with inbuilt compass (capable of taking up to 500 pounds of pressure) and the ultimate of ultimates:
AN ENTIRE CD ROM SURVIVAL GUIDE!!!!!!
This brilliant CD has taught me so much, packed full of such pdf. files as: Checklist for cold climates, checklist for hot climates, Ho to survive, survival kit of how to survive cold weather/hot weather/overwater/underwater/in water/above water/drinking water/seeing water/gargling water/leaking water… and one pdf. just entitled “SURVIVAL”…
Now I would assume if this was to be read out in a movie dramatic music would sound dramatically at this point, dramatising the drama of the one word title all about survival. Just a little bit of “DUN, DUN, DUN” can surely be imagined by you, the bloggee, as well as zooming in on the word “SURVIVAL” at this point. I’m not too sure what the pdf. entitled “Ho to survive” is all about, and I haven’t opened it to look yet, but this is clearly telling me to sell myself in the most extreme circumstances if required.
You’d think that this would be enough wouldn’t you? That I could survive any situation now with my knife, flint, survival bracelet (with inbuilt compass)… but you forget one thing my bloggee friend… ZOMBIES. That’s right, I also have a ZOMBIE survival guide coming my way to help protect myself from those pernicious bastards who are out to eviscerate me…. The trouble with Zombies is that now instead of worrying about eating my own arse in this survival situation, I have to worry about many of the living-dead attempting to eat my arse too… And we all know with every day that goes by the chances of these walking brain-dead doofuses taking over the world increases.
So if ever you’re in need of survival advice turn to me, for I have all the answers now. I can survive any situation now after all my ebay purchases, and even if they’re situations far beyond my level of boldness, heroism and bravery I at least had the foresight to buy 5 pairs of Calvin Klein underwear (for just $30!). Bring on the fear of a survival situation I say.
* Apologies for using the word “arse”** so often…
** Apologies for using the word “arse” again…
*** I probably shouldn’t define the quality/level of danger of the situations by which part of my anatomy I need to devour to live… How can you really gauge these situations using anatomy anyway? Is a high level survival situation gauged by eating your whole arse, a few of your toes and a kidney in comparison to just chewing on your lightly-salted arse for a few hours when you can’t find your car in one of the 10 levels of your local shopping centre (low level survival situation)? Seems absurd to make such a rating scale.