Written in 2010, this has been slightly edited to make it easier to understand for the reader, so that the reader (you) can get more offended than you could have in 2010 because a lot of this, just like every assignment I have ever written, had not been proof read and was therefore unintelligible garbage. But this is 2016, and I have edited this just slightly so now it’s just garbage.
Ok, read on at your own peril….
Hi. Welcome to my guide to picking up chicks. My name is Lachlan Gibson. Come journey with me, your host, through the swampy grounds, the hot, unforgiving deserts, and the poorly paved roads that are relationships. Today or tomorrow (whenever you read this) we will discuss how to find success when luring the perfect girl for you! So let’s kick this pig into gear!
Tip One – Personal Space
What is it? What do we need it for? I don’t know, and neither should you. If there is one thing I know about girls, it’s that girls love space invaders, and not just the video game. The video game is awesome, and so is getting right up in girls’ faces so that you are noticed. How do I know this? Well I’ve had several girls invade my space, often with shuddering effect on me, which means they obviously love space invaders themselves
(the game: definitely…. you?: apply my advice, and also definitely).
I once met one girl at university who took a particular fondness to the space I was standing in, and it didn’t take too long before she was talking to me… Only, she was what Seinfeld would call a “close-talker”. She couldn’t stand further than a foot away to speak – she needed to be toe to toe, talking into my face like I was a drive through speaker at McDonalds and she had a hankering for a large double-cheeseburger meal, minus the pickles and onion, but with a diet coke, because, well, it’s beach season and I’m watching my weight.
I didn’t need to blink, she lubricated my eyes so well with the spit flying from her mouth as she talked. She would also quickly and semi-aggressively grab my arm every time she needed to made a point that she felt needed the emphasis of the type of pain that only a person who has ever stepped on Lego in the dark knows about. Thankfully I have two arms, because she caused irreparable damage and now I can never be a champion lawn bowler. We ended up in a lot of the same classes (because God has a sense of humour), but she liked my space so much more than her own, that when I would be standing, and she was standing, I would try to sit to avoid the arm groping/assault. This would cause her to sit, which would mean my only option would then be to stand, but she would join me standing. Sound exhausting? It was like we were part of a barbershop quartet and we were competing to get to the next round of state champs with the amount of bobbing up and down we were achieving. The only thing we were missing was the singing and the stripey hats… I would have rather been in a barbershop quartet however, than be in the same class as this girl!
The hardest moment I experienced with this girl was when I was standing in a crowded library (or bar or something) surrounded by other people, unable to move from my spot, but enjoying my time and my life. Suddenly, after spending a whole night just enjoying my life, she pops up out of a crack in the floor and is standing right in front of me. I had nowhere to go! My feet were firmly planted on the ground! It is then that I started incorporating “the lean”, a move that involves moving everything as far away from this person as possible, even though I can’t physically walk away because of all the other people boxing me in. This was s a great idea for a second, until she started leaning in toward me as I’m leaning away from her! I’m breaking my shins in half trying to avoid her and she’s still right there in my face, doing her best Michael Jackson impression. If only I had a limbo pole available to me at the time, because I could have broken every record imaginable, and possibly used it to also fend her off.
So if the annoying girls love invading space, surely all girls do right? Get up in their faces boys.
Tip Two – When you get a girl, keep her.
Give her something – a token – a symbol of your undying love! The sooner the better. Telling her on the first date that you are madly in love with her is not quite enough. It is highly encouraged, I’ve never heard of a first date that has gone badly when someone has confessed their undying love for the other person whom they just met, but it is not enough. What you also need to do is list all the qualities you like about her (try to be as specific as possible, particularly in the physical attributes the lucky lady has), as well as all the qualities you dislike about her (again, try to be as specific as possible, particularly in the physical attributes the lucky lady has). This is best done on the first date so that you start out on the best foot. Also, tell her whether you want kids with her or not and be overtly honest about how well you think she will raise your children based on what you have observed of her on your date. Why? Because:
I cannot stress this enough. After all this is said and down, whip out…. THE PROMISE RING! This is an eternal promise of commitment! Don’t be confused fellas, this isn’t an engagement ring. It’s stupid to use an engagement ring if you want a real symbol of commitment (particularly on the first date). Nothing says “I want to be with you forever, but, just not right now… so here’s my symbol of eternal commitment to later committing to you on a full-time basis” than a promise ring.
Tip Three – Where and When
Where and when to meet girls is always a doozey! Often I don’t get asked “Lachlan, where can I meet girls?”. Often I don’t tell people. But to tell YOU now, well… that involves the next sentence.
Not this one.
Often girls find guys more attractive through alcohol. Do you want to meet girls in a pub though? No, you do not. You want to meet them at those random alcohol breath testing stops that the police set up for you (to meet girls). You wanna go for the ones that are only a little over the blood alcohol limit and have lost their cars. They’re tipsy and looking for a ride home. I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to be there to be that “knight in shining Mazda 2”. Grow a mustache, wear your best stubbies, and get out there boys – find yourself the girl of your dreams at that RBT of your dreams.
Tip Four – Be a badass.
Nice guys finish last, or they don’t finish at all. Be a badass. Be arrogant, obnoxious and rude to the girl of your dreams. I have spent my whole life trying to be nice to girls and it’s totally the wrong road to take. Badasses wear leather. Therefore wear as much leather as you can get your hands on. Cover yourself in the stuff. “How much leather should I wear?” you may ask me? Well find out how much leather a cow wears and then back it off a little. If you should end up in an outfit that constitutes something just short of hooves and an udder, you will find the chicks will swoon.
Now you have your outfit, think about your stomach muscles, tattoos and badass haircut. If you cannot get these things to work for you that’s still ok. Being a badass is about attitude just as much as it is about looks.
Your attitude should be enough to repel mosquitoes. You need to find every flaw in the girl of your dreams, tell her all about her flaws and then throw mud at her car, toilet paper her house and pull her hair. Pulling hair was big in grade 2, so there should be no reason it wouldn’t work on a 17-49 year old (or wherever your age bracket ends).
Tip Four – Avoid my advice like the plague
I mean honestly, are you seriously so dumb and naive as to listen to any of this bollocks? You’d be an idiot to do any of this… I am the last person you should listen to about relationship advice.
But now that throws a spanner into the works with me telling you to not listen to me. So with not listening to me, you are listening to me and therefore – well… it’s just one big cycle of ridiculous, isn’t it?
Anyway, this has been your comprehensive guide on how to get a girl – stay tuned for the next in this 2 part series on “how to get a boy”.
**** oh and don’t sue if you try these things and get arrested.
***** nor should you sue for me just attempting to dish out advice that isn’t quite to your taste.
****** nor should you sue for attempting to make humour where there isn’t
******* nor should you sue etc.